Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  -Philippians 4:8

Everyone is so broken and in need of a savior
So He came and was broken for the mocker, for the shamed
Still our eyes are blinded by the culture, by the lies
We can't see that we're filthy, we're fallen, and so dry
(Verse 1 of "The River" by Meredith Andrews)


Sometimes, the hardest thing to believe is the truth.

I've been searching through all of my stuff for this one notebook I had back in 2005 where I took a lot of sermon notes.  I still haven't found it, but I found another notebook of random notes, devotionals, and thoughts.  I love reading old journals.  I can laugh at myself and my stupidity and see how I've changed.  But I can also stop and read something true that I just needed to read at the moment.  It's funny these things from the past can come back and hit you upside the head with a 2x4

This is an entry from November 9 2006:

I'm not sure what exactly happened tonight at BASIC, but I just wanted to break out in tears at one point.  I hear all of these people talk about their experiences at this conference and how they're on fire for You.  Yet, I feel like I'm not burning as brightly as I could be.  God, I don't want to be stagnant.  I want to grow.  I want You to grow in me.  I want people to be able to look at me and say, "Wow, I wish I had whatever she had."  God, I'm the one saying that about other people!  I'm not the best person I could be.  I'm not the best Christian that I could be.  I want You and I need You to help me.  I don't feel like I'm getting any stronger or deeper in fatih.  I'm not sure what's really holding me back.  I feel like people around me aren't influencing me in a positive way.  I don't see anything moving at school.  Face it.  We're pretty dead and I take most responsibility.  Why'd you let me be a leader if I don't even have the qualities of a leader?  What courage do I have?  Yes, I had some, but it stopped growing.  Why have I stopped growing?  Is Matthew right?  Do I not know enough to know You and to be able to hear Your voice?  Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I felt like such a failure talking to my brother.  I felt like my faith wasn't enough.  When is it ever enough.  I know the bible is very useful and we should learn a lot from it.  But does that mean I should know everything right now?  I just don't get it.  Why have I stopped growing?  I can't see it.  Please, open my eyes.  I want to know so I can know You and love You and tell everyone all about You.  You're the Creator.  I want to know You.  Why can't I hear You or see You?  What is hindering this?  I want to get rid of it, because I need to grow.

I need to grow.  I can't do it alone.  I need You.


I must say, that when I read this last night, I laughed at myself.  That night, when my brother told me that I did not know God enough to really know what He wants, I was hurt and I did not want to believe him.  I had thought that was a very shallow comment to make, considering my brother did not really know my heart.  I felt like he just thought he was better than me and enjoyed pointing out my mistakes. 

The reason why I laughed when I read that, is because I did not realize it at the time, but my brother was right.  My faith was not that strong.  My overall perspective was still not where it should have been.  I took my frustration out on my brother, but the person I was really frustrated with was myself. 

Oh how I have discovered that humility is so essential to the Christian walk.  To be a disciple is to be a learner.  One must be teachable.  I once heard a sermon that the biggest obstacle to a growing Christian faith is pride.  I should never be satisfied with where I am or think that I know everything.  I should be willing to listen to advice or reproof(criticism/complaint) and when I do wrong, fix it and do my best not to do it again. 

He is on the path of life who heeds (considers/listens/obeys) instruction,
But he who ignores reproof goes astray.    (Proverbs 10:17)

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
But he who hates reproof is stupid.            (Proverbs 12:1)

Stupid?  Really?  Yes!  I was soooo very stupid!  So many times I have had people advise me not to do something and I thought I knew better, so I did it anyway.  Boy, did I wind up further away than I was before.  And now, I can look back and say that yes, it was foolish and very stupid to not listen. 

I think the ultimate act of humility is found in the cross.  He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.  (Philippians 2:8)  And this death paid for my wrong doings.  An innocent man was whipped, beaten, spat on, rejected, and crucified for every sin ever committed.  Now, when I fall short of God's plans for me and I am not living the way I should be, I feel so guilty.  Jesus was not guilty of anything and yet He took my place.  I can picture God in heaven looking down on this earth and seeing soul after soul living a life for themselves, asking "Why don't they love me?"  When I say "I love God" or I have a lanyard that says "I love Jesus" I want to live up to that.  I want to die to myself and have this life which is not my own honor the One who does own it. 

I am only twenty two years old, but I am learning that God does know best.  I know that I am a work in progress and that even though a lot has changed in the past three years, I still have a lot of growing to do and I'll never be done growing here on this earth.  "Be holy, for I am holy."  It's a high standard to live up to, but that's what I need to strive for.  He does know best and He most certainly deserves my best. 

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

"I Will Lift My Eyes" by Bebo Norman


I have to admit, this is hard to put into practice.  This week has not been one of the greatest weeks.  Some things can really hurt, even though you try so hard to not let them hurt.  And I'm no good at hiding that from people.  But I need to listen to my own lesson and fix my eyes on Jesus, despite what goes on in life.  It's like anytime I try to get closer to God, I get hit with a curveball.  And this curveball has left a huge dent.  I wish life could be like those things on t.v. where they just take the dent right out of the cars.  Put some special polish out and you can't even notice it was hit.  But it's those hard times that test and build our character.  Countless times I have seen bad things in my life increase my faith and make it more genuine.  I just may not like it when something stinky does happen and it hurts.  Sitting through them and waiting them out is not my idea of fun. 

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saved those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)

Theh LORD is my shepherd
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have annointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
(Psalm 23)

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever
(Psalm 73:25-26)